I’ve sat here all day contemplating putting my thoughts down in my blog and I’ve struggled to do so. There have been moments today, pretty much like the last few days where I am here in my house doing something mundane and I just feel this incredibly overwhelming feeling of sadness and despair. It was particularly bad today at one stage, just when I was sat eating my tea. I don’t think I will forget the feeling for a long time. I became detached from myself, it was like I was sat watching myself and I cried so hard, I thought my soul and heart would burst.  Just shatter right there on the sofa. I felt such pity for myself and this total desire of not being able to cope with another day. Oh god, I can’t tell you how much pain I have inside at the moment. I’d give anything to have one day of happiness because as my handbag as my witness, I honestly cannot remember what happiness feels like. I’ve forgotten how to live, how to feel and how to……just how to.

Last week, I had taken baby steps each day as I could feel my mood ever so slightly shifting upward. Only marginally but enough for me to get up and have a shower. When I say baby steps, I mean just doing some dishes, or a laundry load or some polishing. Nothing out of the ordinary but people with depression will relate and understand because most days it’s easier just to stay in bed and not do a thing. Plus I worked part time last week, it’s the first time I’ve done a full day in six months so that was pretty huge to me as I’d built up such a fear of working in an office again. Friday evening I came home feeling a bit proud of myself.  I really fancied a takeaway but I dug deep for that will power and stuck to Slimming World, so I made an Indian meal. It all went horribly wrong as I was accused of being useless and lazy and everything I had built up over the week was shot to bits and I went into melt down again. I can’t be what some people want me to be. I can’t meet fast and high standards to people’s requirements and I find some of my days living in fear of being knocked down.  I’m not strong enough to fight so I will just go into a long and silent bubble.

I will never be some domestic goddess, I’m not house wife material but I make the effort where I can but my steps aren’t enough or fast enough for some people. My close friends and family understand this. But the problem is, I get knocked back down and I have to start all over again and my steps won’t be good enough again so I continuously get knocked back. I physically and emotionally can’t take anymore.

I’ve stuck it out at Slimming World and I’ve lost 10.5lbs so far. Not far off my first one stone loss. Only another 211.5lbs to go! Ha. Ahh I shouldn’t knock myself, I’m sticking at it despite my depression being so bad. Christ, I don’t even want to be here so I think sticking to my diet is pretty fabulous. Credit where credits due.

I haven’t left the house again in three days and this just adds to my stress and sadness as I desperately want a life. I’ve booked and planned some things and trying to build what I call my ‘happy empire’ – things to look forward to during the rest of the year because if I don’t have that, I will just give up entirely. I’m doing it just for me now.  My life is for me, and I’m not waiting around anymore to do things I want to do. I’ve been saving money for months which I’ve never done before and now I can do things I’ve always wanted to do and I don’t care about doing it on my own because I need to rely on myself for my happiness now.

I’ve not been in a relationship now for over a year and that suits me fine. I’m damaged goods with my mental health difficulties and I need to focus on losing weight and to keep searching and working towards that inner peace and happiness. I’m not joking when I say I’m desperate to feel happy because I need to believe it will happen one day and that my mind will set me free from the mental prison I’m trapped in.

If I can share any advice is that it’s never safe to rely on anyone. If you want certain things in your life or to do things, don’t wait around or you’ll be waiting forever. That’s been my mistake since I was about 22 so that’s 14 years of waiting and waiting and waiting. I’m not living my life to other people’s terms anymore. Everyone deserves happiness and surely so do I. I feel I’ve paid the price already for all my mistakes and regrets.

My main priority right now is my beloved Bailey Boo who is sadly in the final stages of heart failure and I know my time with him is very limited. I haven’t figured out how I’m going to deal with that loss when it comes and I will probably need some medical help again as unfortunately I’m not strong enough mentally to deal with situations of loss.

So….. That’s me for now. The battle goes on.

Peace out. SL the fruit loop.