I realised that I tend to come on my blog only when I am having a relapse, which I am guessing I must use this as a way to vent and get the poison and pain out of my head. I am not going through a relapse at the moment, I am doing okay. Not ace, but I am doing okay. Things are relatively peaceful, or as best as they can be.

When I say that, it does make me reflect on what is going on in the prison that is my head. When I say I am doing okay, I mean ‘I don’t want my life to end today’. I mean ‘the pain isn’t so bad today’ and I mean ‘I can face the world today and not cry’.

I was sat in Tenby a few days ago.I went with Mr P for the night to have a break. I felt content for half hour. Content that there was no pain in my head for a short period of time. I always find that when I am sat looking at the sea and the skyline. There is something peaceful about looking out to sea, where there is no end and no beginning. Anything seems possible when I am sat by the beach, but it has to be quiet and not full of people. Hence going out of season, there was only about 5-6 other people walking about. I have put a picture below just so I can share a small moment of that day with you.

I started my BA(Hons) Youth Justice degree and then thought to myself, why am I really doing this degree, what am I going to do with it? I wasn’t feeling any excitement or passion for what I was doing. I might as well have been studying the traffic statistics for how much relevance it was going to have to my life. So! why not study something I AM passionate about, so the Uni thankfully let me change to BA(Hons) English Literature & Creative Writing. And now I am very excited. My Mother dreams of me being a published writer one day, we share that same dream. But first, I want to learn, to study and to know everything there is to know about the subject. I’ve not achieved a great deal in my life, if I can achieve this one thing, of getting a Uni degree will be amazing for someone like me.

I have lived my life jumping from one thing to the next, never sticking anything out, never finishing anything, losing interest, getting pissed off or my BPD just being too much to cope with. I have to do something to prove to myself that I can do it, that I am not completely useless and a failure.

I am still sticking it out at Slimming World. 1 stone, 5lbs down and 14 stone to go. I have a target of losing at least 5 stone by next June, that’s another self target that I need to stick to. I am absolutely not setting myself up to fail by setting myself targets with Uni and Slimming World. But I am not letting BPD take over my whole life all the time. It has always dictated TO ME. Oh hello, this is my life, I get a say now. I start therapy again this month at the mental health hospital so this is third time lucky.

I remember in my last blog post I was going to report on my meeting with The Links. They sent a CD of the meeting. Mr P and I sat and listened to it and his opinion is that although they listened, nothing was really achieved from the meeting. However, they said that if I feel suicidal then I have to call the Police or go straight to A&E – I cannot stress how hard this is, and then people wander why resources are stretched to the max. I will be seeing a Psychiatrist again for the duration that I am doing my therapy, something that should have happened both times that I did therapy before and it never! HAHAHAHA yes I pointed that out to them, and they looked sheepish and quickly moved on. They refuse to offer CPN support during times I cannot leave the house and cannot manage, they expect Mr P to do it all. Well sorry, but that isn’t good enough and I do not expect Mr P to take the strain of it all the time.

I was approached by an editor for a new magazine about mental health and my idea for the article is to do mental health from my point of view (a day in the life of) and Mr P is going to dictate to me his point of view so it will be an article about both sides of the coin. I think people forget about the person who has to live with shocking behaviour of BPD and suicidal tendencies. How Mr P is still here, I will never know. Life with BPD can make me very Jekyll & Hyde in respect of me as Sarah-Louise can be a pretty cool person (modest much!!) but when the red mist of BPD comes down, watch the phuck out. I am not me anymore. That’s hard for someone to live with, not just me but the person who is around me. I look back on some of the things I have done during BPD phases and think ‘did I really do that?!?’ – it’s hard to come to terms with the fact that your mind/brain/head is taken out of your control.

If you get a moment, please take a look at my friend’s new blog. It’s at heidilouisedavies.wordpress.com – this girl is so cool, it hurts. She totally gets me and is one of the most strongest and wise people I know. Check it out, even if it’s just for her pug kids.

Peace out. SL the fruit loop.

img_54141