It’s been some time since I have blogged again. Each day I keep meaning to put finger to iPad to type away but I get this thing called serious lack of motivation. Today I felt it was time to update, even if just to get things off my chest.

I will start with some positive news.  I finally joined and stuck with Slimming World. It was an extremely slow start and I didn’t lose anything in the first month. I went to see the Doctor. Where I had spent over a decade throwing food up, my body was storing more fat content. That’s not good news for someone extremely obese. So the Doctor put me on Orlistat which is a tablet that prevents your body absorbing oils and fats. That really helped kick start things and I have now lost half a stone. Only 215lbs to go!!!! But it’s going in the right direction now and I just need to focus on one stone at a time. I’m very determined to lose the weight and be slim. I have my goal in mind and just the thought of being able to do so much more is motivation enough. It would be just nice to walk further than I can sneeze and not need a half a mile of seatbelt extension.

Since Christmas, I’ve not been working and I am getting to a point of being very stagnant and at a crossroads about where I want to be going. My main priority at present is being with my heart, my world, my best boy, of course that is Bailey Boo. My poor beautiful dog was diagnosed with heart failure. He has a terrible heart cough and is on medication. I’m making the most of every moment I have left with him. My heart breaks.

Mentally, I have no breakdowns since December which I think is because I haven’t had stress from work or society as I have kept myself to myself and withdrawn a bit. This said, I have still had prolonged periods of depression and not left the house for over a week. I honestly frustrate myself as there is SO much I want to do. I am not being me, I am not being true to myself or my dreams and beliefs, style, goals and ambitions. You name it, I have just gone on standby. I like to go places, to see new things, I want to travel again, even just going out to vintage fairs, car boot sales and eating out. But I have stopped living. It’s a mixture of depression, social anxiety and the plain old embarrassment of going out and looking like I do. Obese isn’t a good look and I don’t have any confidence with clothes. I have one comfort outfit and of course it’s predominantly black. I live in an oversized tshirt and leggings in the house but I wouldn’t wear leggings past my front door if my life depended on it.

Like I have repeatedly said, I’m not playing the fat victim. I got myself like this, feel shit about it and now doing something about it. That’s about all I can say about that. It’s plain and simple.

10,000 Kind Minds is now finished. I ended the target at £1,000 and raised £1,444. Much of this was raised off Instagram. So many people were incredibly generous with their time, resources and money. I’m very grateful to everyone on Instagram, friends on Facebook and my Mum and sister K who donated. I decided to end the campaign early as I had exhausted the fundraising on Instagram and it wasn’t fair to keep expecting people to keep giving as they had donated generously already. I had approached other platforms to advertise my fundraisers and even Mind themselves but unfortunately I didn’t get anywhere with that. Mind have been somewhat a disappointment over the last few months and when I start fundraising again, I will choose another charity to help. There have been too many broken promises and poor communication.  It doesn’t bode well when you are busting a gut to help an organisation.

I am starting a degree with the Open Uni in September. I’m not pretending to be intelligent, I really am not but the subject of Forensic Psychology interests me and I am in the game for just improving myself and opening some new doors of opportunity.

It’s really hard to put my mind into words at the moment. My head feels a mass of confusion and indecision. I’ve even got to that stage now of not caring if my choices and decisions piss people off. I spent too long worrying what people might and would think. I’m over that, this is my life and time is ticking on. In a hundred years time, no one will know I existed so why not just do what I can to find my happiness. What is happiness? I have no idea. I can’t describe that feeling. I always see people on Instagram saying they are loving life, or couldn’t be happier or smiling so much, it literally brings a tear to my eye. Not of envy or jealousy but out of sheer satisfaction of seeing people experience that pure euphoria of natural happiness from going out and doing what they want and being happy. I think that’s great, I don’t begrudge them a thing. At times in my life when I know I should or could be experiencing happy feelings, I’m not, there’s always this cloud of grey in my head that makes me feel sad and depressed. It’s horrible it really is. It follows me like a bad smell.

Over the last few months, I have had this constant ache inside me of something missing, a void, a black hole. I was convinced it was because I needed to have a child. Was I gaining that maternal pull. But I don’t think I was. Again I think I was getting sucked into the social media thing of believing that my life would be fulfilled with a child in it. I absolutely refuse to pass on my mental health genes to a child as its hereditary. So no matter if a time came when I felt the urge to produce a mini human, I wouldn’t because why would I be so cruel as to risk them living a life of mental suffering. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. The last twenty years have been a phucking painful battle and I can’t wait for it be over. I would only ever consider fostering to help somebody else, I would be safe in the knowledge they don’t have my genes. So before you criticise a woman for not having a child as some see it as unnatural or selfish, you need to stop in that shallow world of yours and consider there may be many many reasons.

So I fight till the end.  It’s a fight, a battle, a tiring journey every single day. Some days I still feel like giving up, that urge hasn’t gone but I keep going. I keep finding new reasons to get through the day no matter how hard or painful it is. When the path is cloudy, it will pass, it will become clear and you keep going. For now.