It has been some time since I wrote this during a meltdown but a meltdown I am having and I had nowhere else to turn but my blog to get some of the poison out of my head.

For the last two hours since I woke up, it’s been like a video on rewind, fast forward, jittering and flash flash flash in my head. One trigger after another like a landslide. I want it to stop. It’s making me having constant suicidal thoughts again. And it just won’t phucking stop. I want something to numb it. I want alcohol or something. JUST PHUCKING MAKE IT STOP.

There is huge dog next door that persistently barks when my neighbours are out. It’s happening now and it’s driving me crazy mad. It’s been going on since April and I’m in battle with my neighbour. If I have to move then I will because it’s sending me up the wall.

I need my injection. It’s next Friday. Two weeks before my injection, my moods go dangerously low and angry and it’s me against the world. Every single trigger and flashback is haunting me.

And what’s really bugging the shit out of me, is people who give me a hard time and say ‘he/she/they don’t understand mental health’. Fine. Look it up. There’s plenty of information on the internet to get the gist of some of the severe symptoms and why they can be caused.

Its worse when someone knows how sick you can get and trigger you off (not P by the way this time). I mean, seriously now, I’ve been ill a long time. I’m honest about my illness. I’m honest about triggers and what happens but people still say things that cause huge damage. It’s like me walking up to a diabetic and force feeding them a bin sized bucket of sugar. There you are love, that will make you more ill but phuck it don’t worry about it.

Someone this year said to me that I don’t deserve my Mum. Lush isn’t it. Thing is, that has stuck with me as a permanent trigger and plays over and over in my mind during meltdowns. It’s another rejection trigger. Seeing as my biological asshole Father didn’t want me and then being told I don’t deserve my Mum. Wow. Just pass me the gun why don’t you.

I’m struggling to write this. I have extreme anxiety, difficulty breathing, I’m shaking, feel sick and I can’t see clearly. I don’t have anywhere to turn.

That’s the problem you see. People don’t want to be loving and caring towards someone who is shouting and screaming because their head is out of control and telling them to kill themselves. Like it’s something I choose to do. Like it’s something I enjoy. Hahahahahahahaha.  Yeah sure.

People stop bothering with you and they ignore you as they think “oh here she is off again on one”. Really?!?! Yeah because sure it’s just a temper tantrum. Phucks sake.

How about I cut my arms up again so you can see the pain and poison instead. Would that help you see this is real.

I hate this.

No peace out.