I feel like I’m disappearing. Why can’t I be the happy ever after person. Why can’t I believe in that. I don’t know what I believe in anymore.
I feel like I’m shrinking away from the world and not existing anymore. Every day is lonely and painful and getting worse. I don’t know what my place is in the world anymore.
All the happy moments I have are of things I shouldn’t have been doing because let’s face it, life is too short to follow the rules. I have no boundaries when it comes to rules.
The last few weeks have gone down hill pretty drastically. I’ve gone past the point of being a fruit loop. I’m just nothing.
The only people I have contact with are online friends on Instagram. All other relationships have broken down. My family aren’t speaking to me and neither is my housemate. That’s okay, I’m fine by myself. Well not…. Fine exactly but I can’t keep defending myself with how my illnesses are poisoning and controlling my mind. People make me feel so shit and guilty about it all. So not having any people in my life is a whole lot easier. I don’t feel anything but anger towards the world. I am struggling to feel love or to care or to feel emotions. Mental health is robbing me of a normal life.
I smile. It’s not genuine. I don’t want to smile.
I got assessed at the mental health unit again today as I’ve been developing new symptoms and they need to figure out what the next best step is with going forward with treatment and diagnoses. They even said its probable I would end up a suicide statistic without the right help and meds.
I have suicidal tendencies every day and a constant urge to self harm. I have been hearing voices and sounds that are telling me death is coming. It’s overwhelming. I can’t describe the sounds. They sound far away and become closer. I used to have this constant fear of death when I was little and I would never go to bed. I don’t have that fear of death now but I’ve become obsessed with it.
I am not comfortable being alone in public and have panic attacks which happened last week when I went somewhere with someone and they left me for a long period of time. I got called silly and that it was a screaming ab dab fit. I felt so small and insignificant. I couldn’t help this panic attack and I was struggling to breath.
I can’t see a future for myself at the moment. The BPD or depression or whatever new stuff is happening to my mind is destroying my soul bit by bit.
I’m very lonely. Part of me chooses to be like that because I just cannot cope with people and I cannot cope with people trying to break me and destroy what little I have left in my
head.
I think people think I do things on purpose or choose to be a really difficult person or choose to be so painfully sad and broken. Please just phuck off if you think that. I would give anything not to be ill and to lead a relatively normal life. I can’t work full time and that’s one of the hardest things as I’ve always worked full time. I’ve always had ambitions and goals but my mental health has got worse and worse and worse. There is no respite. I can’t deal with social situations very well and I can’t bond with people at work. I don’t trust anyone. Everyone always lets you down in the end. No one is around when you desperately need it. When you need someone to be compassionate and understanding and kind. That doesn’t phucking exist. People don’t want to hang out with the mentally unstable woman.
Ive even started pulling strands of hair out. My scalp is so sore. I think it’s just another way of harming myself without it being so noticeable.
I don’t know if I will ever have another relationship. I don’t know if I even want to. I don’t think I am capable of it. I am too angry and bitter.
I have even been accused of not loving Bailey Boo this week. You might as well just rip my heart out. Callous assholes
I have major anger issues and the mental health unit need to help me because I will end up dead before long.
I’m hanging on by a thread. And it’s frayed.
Peace out. SL
July 19, 2016 at 9:25 pm
I’m so sorry my heart goes out to you. Nothing I can say will make you feel better but you are an amazing caring lady and deal with things so well. Big hugs are being sent to you xxx
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July 19, 2016 at 10:26 pm
I’m very sorry to hear you are in so much distress. The world does not understand mental illness and can be a very harsh and judgemental place. I wish you inner peace.. Although you are expressing very painful sentiments you write so honestly with great eloquence; there is great beauty in your words. Take care. xx
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July 20, 2016 at 4:01 am
I’m so very sad for you to read this and just wish I could do or say something to help you but I do understand how you are feeling. Mental illness is such a hard thing to cope with and sadly there is still a stigma surrounding it. Have seen you overcome these awful thoughts before and I know you can believe in yourself as a worthwhile, caring and loving person. Am so relieved to read the Mental Health Unit are treating you and there are lots of us that care about you so just take each day slowly.
Xxx
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July 20, 2016 at 12:29 pm
I’m so sorry that you’re unhappy. I suffer with depression, though it’s so much better now. I hope you can let someone “in” to help you through the darker times. I’m almost a neighbour, please let me know if you’d like to have a coffee, just for an hour or so one time. Lots of love xxx
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July 20, 2016 at 8:10 pm
All my love my friend, I’m going through this very much lately, and I thank you for sharing and bringing awareness. My heart is with you. You are and kind and good person. Xxx
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July 20, 2016 at 8:35 pm
I dont really comment on blogs i am not confident enough, i read yours and also your instagram page, you are a lovely kind caring lady, please believe in yourself and love yourself, your love for your little dog shines through, he needs you. You bring so much pleasure into others lives you need it to come into yours, i truly hope you will get all the help and support you need, please never feel alone so many people care for you, you dont even know them all, like me, but i wish for you only good and great things.You have a lovely friendly face, i am so glad that you get great pleasure from your lovely collections and books, your happiness shines through when you treat yourself so carry on doing it, live your life how YOU want. Sending my best wishes to you. Stay strong from Sue A
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